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NO LOVE LOST BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR ROOMMATE?
dan the roommate man
Don't be dismayed if you find yourself in conflict with your roommate(s).
Disagreements between people are inevitable, especially in a roommate
situation where people live together and interact on a daily basis.
Conflicts usually occur when changes are needed and when behaviors, thoughts
and feelings need to be re-examined. Don't be afraid to confront your
roommates about what is bothering you. If you know how to deal with conflict
positively and productively, all involved can benefit from the situation.
Ten Steps In Resolving Conflict
Get everyone together involved in the conflict.
Each roommate should take a turn describing his/her perception of the
situation, how he or she feels about it and what he/she wants.
Together, come to an agreement on what the conflict is.
Everyone should agree to be willing to compromise something to come up with
a solution.
Together, describe a situation which would be a compromise among yourselves.
Come to an agreement on the described situation. Talk about what changes
will be needed to bring about the acceptable situation. Together, make a
plan of action which will help achieve the desired new situation and set a
time frame for these changes.
Make a commitment to make the necessary changes.
Set a future date to evaluate the situation and to re-negotiate any
differences if necessary.
These steps sound very simple but to make them work you need to know how to
fight fair. The key to successful dispute resolution is effective
communication. To resolve conflict, communicate with each other on a
one-to-one equal basis and avoid behavior that will break down
communication.
Ground Rules Of Successful Dispute Resolution
Start right. Set a time to discuss the conflict that is convenient to
everyone involved. Avoid bringing up the problem when your roommate is
walking out the door on the way to a mid-term exam. A better approach would
be, "We need to talk about what is going on. When do you have time to work
this out?" Schedule enough time so you will be able to prevent time
pressure.
Remember that everyone involved is an equal and should have equal rights to
be heard in the discussion. To create a sense of equality, you may wish to
meet at a neutral place. It may help to have everyone sit on the floor or at
a table (all at the same level).
Set aside your desire to "Win." Winning an argument is not the same as
succeeding in conflict resolution where, together with your roommates, you
will all win over the conflict situation.
Each roommate should be able to talk freely about how he/she feels. Make
sure that each person's ideas and feelings are clear to everyone involved.
Be willing to share your feelings honestly and don't expect others to know
how you feel without being told.
Assume each other's perspective. Ask your roommate to reverse positions,
i.e., to stand in your shoes while you stand in theirs. This can sometimes
be the most effective way of getting your point across and, contrariwise,
understanding where your roommate is coming from.
Avoid blaming each other. Assessing blame often has the effect of making the
other party defensive and anxious to find fault with you, widening instead
of narrowing the conflict.
Talk about actions which can be changed rather than personalities. "You
leave your books on the dining room table," can lead to a change of habit;
while, "You're a lazy slob," will only lead to defensiveness and hostility.
Personal attacks destroy communication of productive ideas.
Don't team up with one roommate against another. This creates defensiveness
in the third roommate. You are all working together for a solution.
Don't psycho-analyze your roommate. Avoid a statement such as "Maybe you
don't realize this about yourself, but...." Most people don't like the
feeling of being analyzed. Instead, take responsibility for your own
feelings. A better approach might be, "What you're doing makes me feel...."
If your roommates begin fighting unfairly, take responsibility for getting
things back on the right track. You don't have to let a confrontation go
from bad to worse. Help set and maintain the positive tone of the discussion
by your example.
Don't put your roommates on the spot by insisting on an immediate response
to your demands. If possible, give each other time (at least overnight) to
think over a specific demand or suggested cause of action.About the Author
dan the roommate man
www.roommateexpress.com
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